The Black Jelly Bean of Death

Today was a great day!

I had promised Bridget and her friend that I would take them to Larimer Square in Downton Denver for breakfast and then to the Tattered Cover Bookstore to pick out a book for their “book club”. Their book club isn’t like mine because they don’t drink wine… and they actually read books.

I was planning on taking them to The Market, one of my favorite undergrad hang out spots.

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I would hang out with my friends Cate and Yulia here at least once a week. We met in a writing workshop class and we would spend in-between class time here talking about inappropriate things knowing that anyone lucky enough to eavesdrop would be sure to get an ear full.

I missed it, so I took the kids for the experience… minus the inappropriate talk.

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The Market has some seriously tasty food but in order to escape temptation I made breakfast at home before we left. Bridget ordered the bread pudding because it reminds her of Harry Potter and her friend got the banana bread because it’s tasty. I made them each give me a bite.

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I on the other hand, just had a cuppa. It tastes so much better when your mug sits on a saucer, don’t you think?

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After breakfast we headed for the bookstore. On the walk there an old man wearing a golf hat and unnaturally white shoes sped up next to me in his hoveround. I smiled at him and he tipped his hat and asked me if I wanted to race. I politely told him that I wouldn’t dream of it because clearly he would beat me.

That’s when he winked at me and said… “I wouldn’t beat you but I would sure spank you.”

I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that…

Luckily he sped off before I had time to respond, leaving me with my mouth gaping open. I looked back to see if the kids heard him but they were too busy arguing over which kinds of books are the best… mystery or fantasy?

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Bridget and I could live in this store. We spent the next hour searching for the perfect book for this month’s book club meeting. I proceeded to take pictures of books that caught my attention.

So that meant that I had to take pictures of books for Bridget too…

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Okay, okay so maybe she is holding my books up for me because I like children and young adult books… a lot. We swap books quite often, actually.

When we got home I dug around in my garden, then went for a run and decided to test out those kale chips I’ve been hearing so much about. I looked up a recipe by Melissa d’Arabian.

They turned out perfect! You could audibly hear them crunch and they seemed to just disintegrate into my mouth. Bridget said she didn’t like them which I think is a lie because you can’t not like them. But I didn’t push the matter because I secretly wanted them all to myself.

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The recipe is as follows…

Crispy Kale

Ingredients

  • 1 head kale, washed and thoroughly dried
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • Sea salt, for sprinkling

Directions

Preheat the oven to 275 degrees F.

Remove the ribs from the kale and cut into 1 1/2-inch pieces. Lay on a baking sheet and toss with the olive oil and salt. Bake until crisp, turning the leaves halfway through, about 20 minutes. Serve as finger food.

Brent will be at work tomorrow on Easter so it will just be the girls and me. I still need to fill a bunch of eggs with candy before I go to bed tonight.

If I were smart I would have made sure that the Easter Bunny was given gross candy to work with so that he wouldn’t be tempted to eat all of that sugary goodness.

The only problem with that is that the Easter Bunny loves ALL candy… except black jelly beans. I’m afraid it would be incredibly cruel to fill up all of the Easter eggs with that black jelly bean of death…

Although, I could say that I was just trying to go along with the theme of Jesus’s death.

Bridget is too smart for that and would tell me that the yummy beans were the resurrection beans and if they were missing then I was being inaccurate.

We’ll see how many I manage NOT to eat.

Say a little prayer for me, will ya?

Week 13 Weigh-in and Monthly Progress Pics

Oh brother… it’s that time again.

I woke up this morning feeling like I was made of lead. I felt like there was no way I was going to channel “light thoughts” as I stood on the scale today. Brent’s workouts this week have definitely taken a toll on me. I’m pretty sure that every muscle on my body is sore.

I woke up this morning, peed, stripped down and stood on the scale… it read 201.6.

Can I be honest with you?

This number really pisses me off! Do you have any idea how many cupcakes, french fries and adult beverages I have skipped out on this week in the name of weight loss?

A lot.

Do you have any idea how many vegetables I have ingested even though vegetables aren’t my favorite thing in the world and how many ounces of water I have guzzled down?

A lot.

I’ve literally busted my butt working out almost every day this week and I somehow manage to lose less than a pound.

What the hell?!

It’s one thing to lose this much weight when you kind of half-assed it throughout the week. It’s another when you really did give it your all.

I literally want to slap all of the fat off of my body because it is making me so mad.  It’s making me crazy!

I have goals damn it! Why won’t my body cooperate? I have finished my third month and I’m nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point.

I wrapped the measuring tape around my body in desperation looking for some other form of vindication. Guess what? I’ve lost one inch the entire month… ONE INCH!

I was so bummed about my outcomes that I took the pictures right after. I hadn’t brushed my hair or even wiped the smudged mascara out from under my eyes. I didn’t care.

Here they are for your viewing pleasure…

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See the smile plastered on my face? It’s hiding a bunch of cuss words that want to explode out of my mouth.

I really am mad… but I’m also more determined than ever.

I feel like some unknown force has just issued me a challenge and I am determined to kick its butt.

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I love this saying but I have chosen this picture because it pisses me off too. This is my pretend foe because anyone who sports a wedgie on purpose and pretends to workout that way deserves to be kicked in the ass. So this my friends is my imaginary bullseye.

P.S. My friend told me I was being ridiculous and put my pictures together so that I could see the real progress. After getting a glimpse I felt so much better. Thank you Cathmac!

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Tons of Fun

After seeing those awful pictures of myself I have become super aware every time I pass a mirror. I keep looking to see if I’m delusional.

Why don’t I look that bad when I look in a mirror?

Every time I take a peek at myself I don’t think I look half bad. In fact I feel like I’m getting to where I look pretty good. I mean… I’m not a fitness model or anything but at the same time I don’t think I need to wear a sign that has “Tons of Fun” printed on it either.

Last night Bridget was looking through the camera at the pictures she had taken of herself. (She has embraced the whole duck face phenomenon.) After a while she would look at me and then look at the camera. Look back at me again and then back at the camera. I finally asked her what she was doing and she politely said, “When I look at you, you look like you’re getting thinner. Then, when I look at these pictures you don’t look thin at all.”

“I know!” I just wanted to kiss her for giving me the best backhanded compliment ever.

I really do feel good. I’ve kept on track and I’ve worked my butt off this week.

Things have made a full 180 from when I first started writing this blog in a desperate attempt at motivating myself to shed the weight. I’m definitely headed in the right direction. For some reason it seems to be taking forever to get where I’m going… but I’m going.

I am deceptively strong and in really great shape. I should show up at random gyms and hustle people because just by looking at me they would have no idea what I was capable of pulling off.

I’ve been thinking about what I’ve been doing that has caused this process to take longer than I had expected. Then the other day I stumbled upon this blog post that seemed to clarify what I already knew.

Katheats Real Food is a blog written by a registered dietician. She has recently had a baby and has changed to format of her blog somewhat but basically writes posts about eating a healthy balanced diet and enjoying your life at the same time.

In this particular post she was talking about maintenance and how some days you will splurge. In order to balance that out some days you need to eat less. She illustrates per point using this chart.

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If you click on the picture of the chart it will take you to the post and you will see another chart she made based on how she ate when she was traveling and backed on some weight.

I loved this post because this will be how I eat once I’ve hit my goal weight in order to maintain. The problem is that I’ve already been eating that way but I’m not to the maintenance part of my journey yet. In other words I need to have more downsloping days.

The majority of what I eat is clean and healthy. I’ve really become aware of how I’m fueling my body. That was the first step now I’ve got to monitor how much I’m eating and making sure that I don’t sneak in unnecessary cheat days in.

While I work on that I’ll keep on working out…

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BUT I’m not going to be wearing any tank tops when I do 😉

Suck It In Sweetheart

I don’t know if you have noticed this but I have a tendency to wear baggy t-shirts when I workout because I’m self-conscious about my mid-section. This doesn’t do my cute lululemon pants any justice but I just don’t feel comfortable wearing the tight-fitting shirts yet.

After having kids my stomach hasn’t been the same. I’ve got a crazy amount of stretch marks and loose skin. It’ll improve with weight loss to a point where nobody would notice unless they saw me naked. But in the end the hanging skin just shrivels and makes for a very unhappy looking belly button. I’m afraid the only way to fix it would be to have a tummy tuck.

When I was pregnant I was measuring a month ahead because of how badly my abdominal muscles had split apart. When I gave birth to Penelope at 40 weeks my stomach was measuring 44 weeks.

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Right after having her I would get a strange out of breath feeling every time I stood up. It felt like someone had punched me in the gut knocking the breath out of me. I would literally grunt. (It was attractive.) My doctor gave me a girdle to help pull the muscles together. He told me that this is usually issued to women who have had twins but since my diastasis was so bad he felt like I needed it.

He said that the good news was that with a diastasis this bad it was a possibility that my insurance would cover part of the cost of a tummy tuck. I could get that mommy makeover which is so popular.

I’ve toyed with the idea of having a tummy tuck since giving birth to Bridget. I go back and forth on how I feel about it. Part of me would love to have a flat stomach. The other part of me is fine being the way that I am just as long as I’m fit and healthy.

This morning I was playing with Penelope on the floor as I was washing clothes. When I started to sit up I checked to see how bad my diastasis was by digging my fingers into the space where my muscles are split. There has definitely been improvement since I’ve been working out so hard. Instead of having my guts bulge through when I do a sit up motion my muscles pull together and then split apart again when I lower down.

When I went to get ready to go to the gym I realised that none of my favorite workout t-shirts would be dry in time for my WOD. I hesitantly put on a tank top and headed out the door.

I drug both of my girls with me and had Bridget take pictures of us while we worked out.

A word from the wise… never have your kid take pictures of you working out if you are looking to have any form of self-esteem in tact once you see the pictures.

I had her take pictures of everything we did so that I could illustrate the workout…

BAD IDEA!

I felt awesome while I was working out. My movements were great and I felt like I must have really looked like an athlete.

We use resistance bands a lot when we do Brent’s workouts. I knew that if I wore my tight tank top the bands were going to slice my belly fat in half showing just how much fat is really there. But once I got there and started working out I forgot to be self-conscious about it.

This is how I thought I looked…

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This is how I really looked…

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Oh! There’s more where that came from. Here are a few fine shots from today’s workout…

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I think it’s fair to say that I’m not in “tank top” shape yet… No matter how awesome I feel while doing a movement.

Also, remind me to never ask a ten-year old to take pictures of me bending over… ever again. There are some somethings I just don’t need to see.

Lastly, please feel free to refer any good plastic surgeons who are in the Denver area.

Now, the WOD.

We’ll call it…

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For This Jelly…

 WOD

(a little long-winded I know, but appropriate.)

Part 1

6 rounds

Snatch 3 times for every 90 seconds

Pick a weight that is 85% of your max strength… Here’s an instructional link.

Part 2

8 rounds per person

Resistance Band Sprints

20 seconds on then switch with your partner.

Part 3

8 rounds per person

Resistance Band Planks

(You wrap a band around your waist while you do a plank and your partner pulls on the band in an attempt to pull you off balance.)

20 seconds on then switch with your partner.

Part 4

(I don’t know what to call this.)

3 rounds each

Switch after every 20 seconds

You put a few resistance bands around a weight rack (see picture above) and pull your chest to it trying to keep your body parallel with the ground. While you hold this for 20 seconds your partner will shake the band to make it more difficult.

Part 5

Mean Kettle Bell Swings

6 rounds of 20 seconds each

You start off by doing a Russian Kettle Bell Swing

 Each time you swing it to shoulder level your partner will push it down as hard as they can in an attempt to throw you off balance. You feel really mean while doing it and you may be tempted to go easy on your partner but it’s best if you are just a bitch about it. You switch after every 20 seconds until you’ve each done it 6 times.

Part 6

Squat with a medicine ball and throw it across the room to your partner.

We did this for 6 rounds of 20 seconds while the other girls finished up another workout.

Part 7

The Ab Workout From Hell

each exercise was done for 8 rounds of 20 seconds on 10 seconds off.

Flutter Kicks

Mountain Climbers

 Kettle Bell Side to Sides

The end… finally.

I felt so good doing this workout! That is, until I got home and actually saw myself in the pictures.

I seriously considered scrapping the whole idea of writing a workout blog today and just pretending like I didn’t even see those pictures.

I decided to go ahead and carry through with my plans because this blog is about being brutally honest with myself. It will be a great reference to how far I’ve come in a few months down the line when I can actually wear tank tops without looking like the Michelin Man.

My Psyche is an Enabler

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True story… Although, if my shorts were that far up my butt I would be going mental for a whole other reason.

(Don’t mind me, I’m just hatin.)

Do you know what really sucks about writing a weight loss blog? You can’t lie to yourself.

It’s a shame really, because those little lies can really booster up your self esteem.

You look great in those skinny jeans… nobody will notice your muffin top.”

“You need to cheat in order to keep your metabolism revved up.”

“You only weigh more because you’ve gained muscle.”

My psyche is an enabler…

I looked at the calendar and realized that I’m supposed to post another round of monthly pictures with measurements this Friday. That’s when I realized the little white lies I was telling myself over the past month weren’t really doing me any favors.

Now I have to face another round of pictures that will refuse to lie for me. I’m going to be stuck looking at a replica of myself from a month ago. All of that wasted time is going to taunt me.

The strange thing about weight loss is that the scale really doesn’t tell you whether you are going to be successful or not. It’s a gut feeling you get when you are on track that lets you know.

I get this giddy feeling when I know that things are about to change for the better. I got that feeling while I was on the elliptical machine today at the gym. I was having another dance party in my head while I tried to burn off some of that chub I’ve been carrying around. I knew that in that moment I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

One good decision leads to another and before you know it you’ve had a successful week of doing what you told yourself you would do.

Unfortunately, the same can be said for bad decisions. Once I cave in on one bad decision I’ll cave in on another and then another, until I have a little mental intervention. Then I have to start all over again.

You’ve witnessed this. That is why I’ve fluctuated for the past month losing only 5 pounds.

I’ll do great and then cut myself some slack as a reward.  I’ll lose two pounds and then gain two pounds. Then I’ll lose 2 and a half pounds and then I’ll gain three.

If I wasn’t logging my weigh-in’s I wouldn’t have realized this. I would be under the delusion that I’m actually losing weight. When in reality I’m only losing the same two pounds over and over again.

I feel good about this week though. I’ve followed one good weigh-in with even more effort.

This time next month I want to see significant changes and in order to accomplish that I need to stop lying to myself… no matter how annoying the truth is.

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