Today is one of those days. The kind where I just feel yucky.
I. Am. So. Exhausted.
For the past two weeks Penelope hasn’t slept through the night. She wakes up about four times stands at the edge of her crib and cries. As soon as I open the door she plops down to go back to sleep as if to say, “Oh good, you’re still here. I was just checking.” I’ll crawl back into bed and when I feel that delicious deep sleep coming on she does it again… “Just checking, goodnight now.”
This got to be so normal that I couldn’t understand why I was so tired. “What could it be? Oh yeah, I don’t sleep.” I was so tired I couldn’t even think straight. I haven’t been this tired since I was pregnant. (No, I’m not pregnant.)
Today is my monthly picture day and I woke up with a wicked case of bed head since I fell asleep shortly after taking a shower. I tried to brush it out and the waves poofed into frizz. Bridget has her first official babysitting job today and I had to drop her off at 7:30. But since she is my photographer I had to have her snap the pictures first.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate taking these pictures? Here they are… be warned my face is really creepy in this first shot.
These mug shots do nothing for my self-esteem but at the same time I’m always glad I did it so that I can see the progress. Let’s compare shall we?
Okay, I feel better now. Sometimes you just have to take the time to see how far you’ve come instead of looking at how far you have to go.
Once I got these shots taken and Bridget dropped off I chugged a bottle of water and then realized that I hadn’t weighed myself yet. Ugh!!! I usually weigh in butt naked shortly after my first morning pee before I even take a sip of water. (I can use all of the help I can get.)
When I weighed myself I weighed in at 190.6.
I have gotten to the point where I can photograph well enough to trick people into thinking I’m thinner than I am. This is nice because when I first started out it didn’t matter how I maneuvered my arm or craned my neck… I looked fat.
Here is an example from a photo that was taken of me yesterday in my bathing suit…
Not so flattering…
I still have about 30-40 pounds to lose and sometimes I look at myself and wonder where that weight is going to come from. Then I see something like this and I know exactly where it is coming from. (Note to self: Get a new bathing suit.)
Strangely enough posting these horrible pictures out there for all to see has made me feel so much better. Now I feel like I have nothing to hide. My advice for anyone starting out is to take time to acknowledge where you are. Be honest with yourself and take a good long look. Take a photo and hide it in your sock drawer. Then as you work your way to a healthier you look back at it. You will be surprised at how far you have come. You’re memory won’t register just how bad things were but the photo won’t lie.
I cried after I took those first pictures. But now I feel so good when I look at them. I’m hoping the same will come of this bathing suit photo. I could have cropped it and forgotten how bad I looked at the beginning of the summer. But then I wouldn’t have an honest representation of how far I’ve come when the summer is over and I take one last shot of me by the pool.
I’m sorry you have to be a witness to this. Let’s hope some of those images haven’t been burned in your brain. Instead we’ll look at cute babies in bathing suits to make it go away…
How did your week go?