Week 35 Weigh-in and the Tenacious Garden

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Well, hello!

I tend to try to do my weigh-in posts first thing in the morning right after I wake up just to get it over with but Penelope had more interesting tricks up her sleeves instead.  She woke up with a tummy ache so I spent the morning changing diaper after diaper.  Then I dropped Bridget off  at school only to return home for more diaper doody… heh get it? DOODY?!

Right… I’ll stop.

For the record I did not just Google “doody as in poop” to see if I spelled it right, yes i did.

Other than the whole diarrhea debacle, this morning has actually been pretty great. My new Macbook Air was delivered!

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I was super excited about it’s arrival. However, I wasn’t too thrilled about my husband taking a picture of me pre-shower and posting it on Facebook.  That’s not really a smile, that’s me baring my teeth as if to say, “Do it, I dare you.”

He did.

Shortly after playing with my new toy Penelope and I decided to go outside and water the remnants of our garden sans pants.

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Well… I wore pants, she did not. What was the use? I was going to have to change another diaper any minute anyway. Plus, I come from a long line of white trash so I was just representing.

As we walked through the garden that got destroyed last week we got a good long look at the precious gems that decided to make a come back against all odds. I was so thrilled to see that we still have strawberries, pumpkins and peppers!

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…and I might have found the source for her tummy ache.

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about the prospect of still having a pumpkin patch! Fall is well on it’s way and I JUST. CAN’T. WAIT!

I’m usually over the whole summer thing when the pools close down. What’s the use of sweating involuntarily? That’s just gross.

Speaking of sweating, I’ve gone on quite a few good runs this week despite the mommy meltdown. I’ve got everything in check and I feel so good I can’t even tell you.

When I weighed in this morning I was not expecting a very good number. I’ve been running on empty and the stress was sure to wreak havoc on the scale. Plus, I was pretty sure I could feel the extra fat accumulating on my butt and I could feel it jiggle as I ran.

This might have just been all in my mind because in reality I have everything but a butt. This was confirmed when I stepped on the scale and it read 193.6. I’m still annoyed at the stalled progress but I know it’s only a matter of time. I needed to have that meltdown. It was like a reset button for my brain.

Here’s the way I see it… If my garden can make a come back after getting beaten to hell then I can too!

The Day Motherhood Kicked My Ass

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I have a confession to make…

I got a job so that I could run away from my child and then I had a mommy guilt meltdown about it.

True story.

I cried for about four hours in the middle of the night and I seriously thought I was losing my mind. Who cries over getting a job? And why wasn’t I feeling completely fulfilled with being able to be a stay-at-home-mom? It was a gift to be able to spend so much time with my baby and I was miserable. Was this normal or was I just going crazy? Did this make me a bad mom?

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This happened right after Brent returned from his trip to Missouri where he was relaxing at his parent’s lake house, visiting our new nephew.

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Meanwhile, I was at home with the girls picking up a million dirty diapers off of my bedroom floor.

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It was a shitty situation.

I tried not to feel bitter about it. But when Brent got home just in time for me to cook him dinner and listen to how tired he was from lounging by the lake I couldn’t keep the resentment from bubbling over. I was running on empty and on top of it I had added a job to the mix. Brent was only going to be home for one night before he headed back up the mountains to work for another two days. I tried to fight it but I became completely overwhelmed. I didn’t acknowledge just how overwhelmed I was until that moment when I was woken up in the middle of the night to care for Penelope and my defenses were down. I tried to go back to sleep but instead, I lost it.

The next day I woke up after only getting 2 hours of sleep. My eyes were so puffy it hurt to open them. Despite that I felt cleansed. I cried all of the bitter out and was ready to embrace the day.

So as soon as we dropped Bridget off at school I put on my sunglasses to hide my bloodshot eyes and took Penelope to the park. Our morning run was replaced with setting Penelope loose to chase after the geese where she was able to run amuck for an hour solid.

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Apparently she feels the need to run the crazy out too.

She had so much fun and was so sweaty and worn out that she took the best afternoon nap ever. She was also so lovable and cute because she was just SO happy. That’s when I decided I must be on to something.

I’ve known for a while that I needed to find balance in all aspects of my life. I need to balance me time, baby time, cleaning time, work time. I was upset about my work obligations because I was worried that they would take away my time with Penelope.

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But in reality I wasn’t really spending quality time with her… only quantity time. Instead of bonding with her I was fruitlessly trying to clean my floor while yelling at her to get off of the table every morning. That’s no good.

So that’s when I decided that the mornings after I dropped Bridget off at school I would forget about the house work, or school work, or work work and would dedicate this time as our time. A time for me to simply enjoy her. I would take her to do the activities that she loves. A time where she could run her little heart out.

That way when the day is almost over and I’ve sat down to enjoy a nice dinner I don’t lose my shit when she decides to be a dining table centerpiece with pigtails…

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Instead, I’ll think it’s funny and I’ll embrace the fact that she won’t be this little forever.

During my little break through I found a couple of blog posts to help me cope with being a stay-at-home-mom (with a job). I thought I would share them just in case you feel like you might be on the verge of being committed.

8 Ways to Be A Happy Productive Mom:

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How to Be a Calm Parent:

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The Pumpkin Who Lived

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Good news everyone, I’m not a brat anymore!

Okay, so that’s still debatable… but I’m definitely through with feeling sorry for myself. Phew! Good thing, because being super negative is actually quite tedious.

I woke up this morning determined to run until that whiny attitude went away because I was seriously getting on my own nerves. It didn’t take long. I mean seriously, how can you pout when you’ve got such a cute running partner?

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We went to Barnes and Noble afterward for a little playtime reward for being so good during the run. Her not me. That run actually sucked because I wasn’t really feeling it until near the end. (Thank you endorphins!) While we were in B&N I grabbed an iced coffee and continued my workout in the form of chasing Penelope around the store. She thought it was awesome.

When we got home I cleaned all of the things I hate to clean (because I never clean them.) I quickly decided I needed to do a better job at this home maker business so I went on a Pinterest search for a cleaning schedule to help guide my unruliness…

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This schedule was the only one I found that didn’t make me want to shoot myself. However, I’m still not sure what a “swing” day is. I’m pretty sure that’s something Brent and I aren’t really into.

It didn’t take long for me to lose interest. I decided that unruliness was the perfect way to go. Instead, I found myself distracted by the other shiny objects that you can find on Pinterest.

Like this delightful little swing I could spend an entire afternoon on…

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Maybe I’m willing to be a swinger after all 😉

Or this beach that I would love to get lost on…

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Or this Harry Potter mug that makes me so happy…

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Speaking of Harry Potter, I have discovered in the aftermath of that hail storm that one of my pumpkin plants looks like it might actually live! It’s even got a little pumpkin on it, clinging on to dear life…

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If this little guy makes it I’ll carve a lightening bolt on it’s forehead and call it The Pumpkin Who Lived!

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All of the leaves that were ripped off of the trees during that storm are dying and as I was walking through it that beautiful Fall smell that I love so much was kicked up and wafting through the air. It triggered that giddy gut feeling of anticipation and before I knew it a giggle ripped through my mouth before I could restrain it.

This happened shortly after I had a conversation with my little Harry Potter pumpkin. My neighbors have got to think I’m losing it… who knows maybe I am. But it doesn’t matter because suddenly I was reminded of all of the things I’ve got to look forward to.

Then, I was also reminded of the tight jeans and sweaters that are on the horizon. So I went inside and planned out the meals I need to make to stay on track this week 😉 I’ll share them with you as the week progresses.

Week 34 Weigh-in

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The worst part about writing a brutally honest blog is that you have to be brutally honest.

Insightful… I know.

Looking back at it I kind of wished I would have started a fake “My Life Is Perfect” blog because then I wouldn’t have to share the bad news.

But… I didn’t, so now I have to confess that this week sucked.

I hate to break it to you because there’s something about the Debbie Downer attitude that really gets on my nerves. This makes me go out of my way to look for the good in crappy situations but sometimes life just sucks and there’s nothing you can really do about it but acknowledge it and move on.

To go along with that theme I’m up at two o’clock in the morning writing my weigh-in post, a task I usually save for when I’m up for the day.  I went to bed at 11 and was fast asleep but Penelope woke up three times in the one o’clock hour. After the third trip to her room I was left lying in my bed blinking up at the ceiling.

It’s not entirely Penelope’s fault that I can’t sleep, I think I’m in mourning… It’s stupid really, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my garden that got pulverized during a freak hail storm that took place yesterday afternoon. Once it was determined that I wasn’t going to sleep I lied in bed and started instagramming pictures of my garden.

I feel like a dejected ex-girlfriend who can’t get over a breakup so instead she obsessively posts pictures of the “good times” and then slowly starts posting angry images of what went wrong.

The good old days (last week)…

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I was so looking forward to Fall because Penelope and Bridget were going to have their own personal pumpkin patch. Penelope and I spent every morning watering the plants together. It was one of my crowning moments as a mother…

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I spent the day yesterday doing everything right. I ate a healthy breakfast with the girls, went to the gym and played with Penelope at the park. But for some reason I felt really off.  I didn’t know what my problem was as I struggled to fight off another migraine headache. Just like on my birthday I was feeling nauseous and my head was pounding. What I didn’t know was that my body was reacting to the barometric pressure of that impending storm.

As I stood in my kitchen choking down another hand full of ibuprofen I could hear the pounding of hail start to hit my roof. Before I knew it the hail was coming down so hard it sounded like our house was under attack.

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It came on so fast! I was glad we weren’t out for a walk or playing at the park when it took place. Within fifteen minutes the creek by our house was flooded.

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When we first moved into this neighborhood Bridget and I called this bridge our “Bridge to Terabithia”. (We are such book nerds.) It never quite fit the part until that storm rolled through.

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After we looked at the creek with all of our neighbors we headed back to our own backyard to survey the damage.

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My garden was gone…

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I was so bummed but I kept trying to remind myself that it was just a bunch of plants, no biggie. Plenty of people have bigger problems. I just needed to get over it.

Yet, here I am now at three o’clock in the morning, writing a blog post about it. Seriously? To make matters worse when I weighed myself I weighed in 196. WHAT THE CRAP?! I even spent an entire day being involuntarily bulimic!

This week was supposed to be the week that everything fell into place. Ohhh the irony!

Brent is leaving for St. Louis tomorrow to go see our new baby nephew and he was going to take Penelope with him since she flies free. At first I was hesitant about being separated from her but as the migraines piled on through out the week I started to look forward to having a mini mommy vacation. I started to look forward to not having to worry about nap time or the wretched hour before bed time. Three days of freedom… what a treat!

Then, we found out that one of the cousins that they would be visiting is sick so we decided Penelope should stay home with me after all. We don’t want her to get sick too. I can’t help but feel a pang of disappointment at the thought of all of that thwarted freedom and that disappointment brings on a whole level of “mommy guilt”.

Brent get’s off of work tomorrow morning (this morning) and I have to drive him to the airport during Penelope’s nap time and then when he returns he goes back to work so that adds another two days of single mommyhood. I’m trying to rally myself so that I can have a better attitude about it but I need some space to throw an internal pep rally.

I’ve gotta get pumped up for next week because it’s gotta be better than the one I just went through!

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Worst Birthday Ever… Best Start of a New Year

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Yesterday was my 33rd birthday and it was the worst birthday to date.

I was originally worried that I would have too much of a good time wanting to eat cupcakes and go out to dinner blowing my weight loss plans that I have had laid out.

Oh if only that were how my day went…

Instead, I got the mother of all migraines. I cried and puked my way through the day. It was awesome.

When I get migraines like this I usually go to the hospital but we had Penelope and I wanted to keep her schedule as normal as possible. I didn’t want to keep her up late at night sitting in the ER so I suffered through it.

The pain was so horrible that I started to hold my breath to try to keep the pain at bay. This leads to dizzy spells and I was so out of it by the time night had rolled around I was having anxiety attacks over not being able to breathe if I fell asleep. Every time my breath would grow shallow with sleep I would jolt awake afraid that if I wasn’t awake I wouldn’t breath. And every time that happened my head would pound like my brain was trying to explode out of my ear… I know, I’m such a weirdo.

I ended up taking 5 hot showers to try to get the blasted thing to go away. I would lay curled up in the bottom of the shower wishing someone could just throw a blanket over me so that I could sleep like that. The only time I didn’t feel like I was going to die was when I was under that hot water. I had flashbacks to doing this as a kid when I first started getting migraines.

I finally passed out at some point in the night. I woke up next to the toilet, and then I woke up on my bedroom floor and then finally I woke up in my bed to a much better day. Migraines are like a near death experience. You come out of it feeling so  grateful for the mundane.

As soon as that headache lifted it felt like I was looking at my life through a Technicolor lense. My perspective was vastly improved. I was just. So. Grateful.

Then, to make matters even better I discovered an email that I had missed during the throes of that migraine. It was an email that I had eagerly been waiting for. In that email it has been confirmed that I have officially become a freelance writer… the kind that gets paid. As I browsed through my inbox I also discovered that I had passed the PLACE test. Two things knocked off of my list of long term goals!

The year of 33 started off a lot rockier than I had anticipated (I would have preferred cupcakes) but something tells me that I’ve got some great things in store for the upcoming year and now I’ve got the perspective to fully appreciate it.