The Greatest Flaw

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Yesterday I took some time to head down to good ol’ downtown Denver to have lunch with two of my old college buddies to relive the glory days of urban freedom.

Cate is one of those people who you see walking down the street and you can’t help but think to yourself… “I want to be her friend.” In fact I did see her on campus before heading toward a writing workshop and thought that very thing. To my surprise she was sitting there when I walked in and when I spoke to her she spoke back in a South African accent. ¬†The words that came out of her mouth were some of the wittiest I’d ever heard, solidifying the fact that I had to be her friend.

I couldn’t help but feel like a middle school girl invited to the cool kid table when she started saving my seat in class… and the rest was history.

Cate and I always end up in parallel situations in life but she’s ten times more graceful about it. She has an air of reckless abandon about her. Yet, everything she does is done with ease and style. She’s like that cat who gets thrown out of a car window only to land on her feet slinking away as if it were all apart of her plan.

As we walked through the streets of Denver we were talking about something and I told her I was jealous… of what I don’t remember. As we waited to cross the street a weird, disheveled woman popped into the conversation and said, “Don’t be jealous! Jealousy will ruin you!”

I just looked at her and said “You’re right!” and then I turned to Cate and said, “I’m not jealous of you.”

The woman just gave me a dirty look and wobbled away. She must have thought I was mocking her but I wasn’t. For all I knew she was an angel of insight. Either that or a crack head, I’m not sure which but it didn’t matter because she had a point.

Without another word Cate and I made our way across the street and beyond the jack hammers to meet up with Bettina.

Bettina is a striking beauty who I just so happened to have the pleasure of sitting next to in several literature classes. You can’t help but feel old when you are surrounded by young people who actually went to college when they were supposed to, even if I was in my late twenties. I don’t think I ever went a semester without sharing at least one class with her. We were destined to be friends.

During lunch Bettina confessed that she had always sat next to me so that the professors would leave her alone. That way she could be free to text her boyfriends during class ūüėČ You see, I’m that weird girl who chimes in quite a bit during class. Apparently I have a lot to say. Bettina figured if she sat next to me then the participation requirement for our side of the room would always be fulfilled and she would be off the hook.

I even ended up sitting next to Bettina during graduation.

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In fact, there is an awkward graduation picture of me framed in her house where I’m sandwiched between her and her boyfriend. At the time they had just started a flirtation that I could sense when the photographer came up to take our picture. I knew in that moment that I shouldn’t have been standing in between the two of them but I couldn’t say or do anything about it. I wasn’t sure if they were just friends or not, I didn’t want to make things more awkward. I had no other choice but to just stand there and smile. So there I am, in the middle of what would have been a perfect photo if only I weren’t in it, framed in the house that they share together.

One day their kids will say, “Who is that?”

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You know how Forest Gump always managed to be in the right place at the right time? Well, I’m the opposite of that. If there is an awkward situation to be had I’ll end up in the middle of it. Life is like a box a chocolates I guess… and I ate them all.

Actually that’s not true, in fact I haven’t been eating much other than that sandwich shared with old friends. My mind as been in other places that chocolate can’t even touch. My appetite is gone but I still have to feed my family. ¬†To my pleasure I have found a blog/book that makes cooking dinner for your family seem like a treat. It’s called Dinner A Love Story. I’ve read a couple of her posts and there’s something about her humble way of doing things right that makes me feel good. In fact, I’ve referred to her post 15 recipes Every Parent Should Know¬†about ten times in the last two weeks.

I find my self more attracted to blogs that are centered around living a healthy balanced life because I feel like that is what I continually strive to achieve… balance. The bloggers also have to have a certain level of humility about them. I want to know that they aren’t perfect despite appearances.

This left me wondering if I felt the same way about my friends… Can I truly be friends with someone who was completely content with themselves?

I have sinking feeling that I couldn’t.

Is it because I’m a miserable bitch who feeds off of other’s insecurities? I hope not.

Is it because I’m afraid I couldn’t relate with them? Maybe.

I’d like to think that I feel this way because it’s simply a matter of honesty. There is no way someone could feel as if they were perfect… and if they did then we’ve found their greatest flaw.

So I take comfort in that… knowing that of all of the flaws that I have, being perfect isn’t one of them ūüėČ

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What do you look for in a friend?

This Weird Weekend I’ve Had

I’m having a really hard time talking to you today because I’ve got a lot on my mind and I can’t talk about any of it. That’s the whole problem with writing a blog centered on being authentic and honest. It’s moments like these when I really wish I had painted my life in a light that doesn’t exist so that you could all feel jealous of how perfect I was and be left with that sinking feeling of inadequacy.

That’s what bloggers are supposed to do because then you feel compelled to read the crap they put out in a lame attempt at achieving that unattainable life. Only it’s unattainable so you keep reading, chasing the image you have in your head like a dog chases his tail.

While all of you are out there doing that I’m being the weird dog in the corner scratching his butt on the carpet.¬†Have you ever looked at a dog’s face while he scratched his butt on the carpet?

If you haven’t you should see it because 1) it makes me laugh, 2) I’m pretty sure that’s the look I’ve been making all weekend long. To make matters worse I just Googled “Dog Scratching Butt on Carpet” to find something to reiterate my point. And I just watched a video that was one minute and twenty-nine seconds long that contained a compilation of dogs rubbing their bums on the floor to what I’m pretty sure is the same piece of classical music I used to walk down the aisle with during my wedding.

Did you know that my bridal portrait ended up on a billboard in the seedy part of Denver without me even knowing about it. True Story…

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Brent just so happened to see it on his way to a Bronco’s game.

That’s just one of the bazaar occurrences of my life. I’ve had several, but one of the most bazaar happened this weekend and I can’t even tell you about it. But I had to get it off of my chest so I decided to talk about the anomaly of dog butt scratching instead leaving all of my feelings on this weird weekend I’ve had written in code in the blog post you’ve just read.

Now, you probably feel like I did after I wasted one minute and twenty-nine seconds watching that stupid video, but guess what? I feel better now so thanks for that ūüôā

Week 44 Weigh-in and a Possible Rebirth

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Okay, so I was supposed to do Monday weekly weigh-in’s starting this week but it feels funny not weighing in on Friday.

I just. can’t. do it. It’s just not right.

Therefore, I’ve decided to stick with my Friday weigh-in’s and just simply not go crazy celebrating my loss during the weekend because then I’m left losing the same three pounds over, and over, and over, and over again. It’s boring and not to mention annoying.

This week has been a whirl wind. I’ve been busy writing papers for my last class before student teaching. AHHHH! So far I have a 100% in the class… Why yes, I’m bragging. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate how smart I am. Ignore the typos you find throughout the rest of this blog and focus on the grade m’kay?

Even though I’ve been a great student I feel like I’ve been a horrible mom. Simply because I didn’t enjoy it this week. As moms we feel the need to plaster a smile on our faces for the general public and pretend like we just simply adore every last bit about this life we call motherhood. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids ¬†unconditionally. ¬†At the same time I was exhausted and couldn’t appreciate the cuteness that was hidden in the millionth temper tantrum of the week and the snarky tween comment that was meant to be funny. I just wasn’t feeling it.

I hadn’t slept in 10 days and I swear I would have heard voices in my head if I had entertained them. With each interrupted night of sleep I could hear the sound of my sanity crackling and splintering. My rock bottom was when Brent told me he was going to go for a nice stroll by himself and I so eloquently told him, “Oh that’s nice… to be able to go for a stroll… by YOURSELF!” ¬†Then I proceeded to tell him that ¬†Penelope was so far up my butt that I was going to have to rebirth her. Not my classiest moment.

I guess you could say Mommy needed some space.

I was planning on writing a blog post on Wednesday but opted for a nap instead due to the voices in the head thing. You know I’m kidding right? I wish I were kidding.¬†Seriously, I’m kidding… kind of.¬†

(I’m pretty sure you just met them.)

This week I decided that it didn’t matter that I was sleep deprived and a little crazy and had a million things on my “To Do” list with a toddler who was on a mission to prevent me from getting anything done. ¬†Nothing was going to change anytime soon so I had no choice but to accept it and stop using the chaos as an excuse. It was time to face the facts… this is my crazy life. So there is no other option but to suck it up and do what I need to do regardless.

Turns out my workouts were the best part of my day. I would start off in a crappy mood feeling completely overwhelmed but by the time I was done with my workout I felt rejuvenated and ready for the rest of my day.

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Usually when I’m done working out I run errands. This is when I’m most tempted to buy a sugary Starbucks drink. So in order to curb that habit I’ve prepared post workout snacks to take with me while I shop including Green Monster Smoothies and Energy Balls (aka glorified no bake cookies).

Penelope loves them too!

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You might think I’m weird but there’s something therapeutic about buying healthy food. I feel so proud of myself, in my head I keep thinking about how impressed the cashier must be with my healthy food selection. When in reality she is probably cursing me under her breath as she looks up the codes for all of the vegetables.

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The real challenge is getting all of the groceries in the refrigerator before Penelope takes a single bite out of every piece of fruit. I found a produce sticker in her poopy diaper today… I think I need to be quicker.

During our grocery shopping trips Penelope insists on holding the lemons because they smell so divine. She’ll just sit there and snort them and occasionally try to take a bite of the skin which isn’t quite as pleasant. It may seem weird but sniffing lemons with my toddler is on my top ten list for things that make me super happy.

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Lemons are the ultimate aromatherapy, if you can’t appreciate the smell of a good lemon then you just weren’t meant to be happy.

Anyway, I ate really well all this week and as promised I took pictures whenever I could.

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The only problem with eating so healthy was that I got a headache every night. I have PCOS which causes you to have strong reactions to sugar and processed carbs and since I had been eating that junk the weeks before my body was starting to have withdraws when I cut them out. So, every night in a desperate attempt to keep from feeling awful I ended up ¬†eating something that wasn’t part of the plan. (Like the Skittles leftover from Bridget’s Girl Scout meeting.)

I’ve always felt like a crack head when it came sugar and white starchy carbs. ¬†Then I found an article that let me know that it wasn’t just my imagination… How Oreos Work Like Cocaine.

Even though I had to fuel my cocaine sugar habit each evening. I still managed to make a little progress on the scale. I weighed in at 184.2.

I’m nowhere near the goals I had set for myself and it’s bugging the hell out of me. Why does this freaking weight loss business take so LONG ?!?!

Because you’re not consistent dummy.

Ugh… those voices!

So that’s where I am at… It’s a riveting story I tell you. Now, I’m off to do more school work so that I can enjoy the weekend!

Week 43 Weigh-in

Well, hello there. Guess who got some sleep and is a little less crazy now? This girl! I can’t tell you how good I felt getting out of bed today even if it was at 5:00 in the morning.

Despite the fact that we were thoroughly sleep deprived over the weekend we still managed to pack in some family fun.

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Including carving pumpkins while listening to the Cardinals game on the radio. Which was Brent’s idea. We don’t have cable so he can’t watch the games so Brent was looking for something to do during that time. Carving pumpkins was the perfect solution. Only, every time Bridget and I started to make small talk he would shush us which was pretty annoying but we forgive him. Baseball season is a very emotional time for him so we do our best to support him.

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Which usually means the girls have to wear their Cardinals gear during game days. This has been traumatic for Bridget who was terrified to take her shirt off so that she could take a bath when she was little because she didn’t want to be responsible for the Cardinals losing. We’ll add that to the list of things she’ll talk about in therapy due to our parenting.

For our fun family night Brent requested potato soup. Initially, I didn’t want to make it because I was super tired but it turned out SO good. It wasn’t the worst recipe out there because it didn’t use heavy cream and it was made from scratch but it wasn’t the healthiest either.

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I also might have had to sip on a bunch some¬†of these while I made dinner…

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And I might have also made some pumpkin bread because I was feeling festive. I just couldn’t stop myself!

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I’m glad I did though because as the weekend progressed Penelope was feeling worse and refused to eat everything… except pumpkin bread. (But can you blame her?)

By the time Sunday rolled around I was deliriously tired in case you didn’t notice from my previous post. It was cold and rainy so Bridget and I thought it was perfect for a movie night. I had hardly eaten anything all day because I was too scatter brained to pull anything together. That evening I was craving carbs like crazy (my typical reaction to not sleeping) so I made us each a bowl of garlic butter spaghetti with herbs spinach along with some pan seared chicken.

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This wasn’t the best choice for an evening meal. But it was better than ordering take out and it only took a few minutes to make. It. Was. Perfect. Bridget and I snuggled under thick warm blankets and ate this while we watched Forest Gump. One of my all time favorite movies… it was even better because Bridget had never seen it before…

“Tom Hanks? He sounds familiar, is he famous?”

“They had Apple way back in 1993?”

“Sweet Home Alabama was even a song then?”

We both were amazed that I had watched it in a History class during 8th grade. Boy have times changed!

Anyway, that was all of the crap I ate over the weekend. So I cringed when I stepped on the scale today…¬†I weighed in at 186.¬†Not too shabby considering the circumstances! To make matters even better everything was back to normal. So I downed some eggs and headed to the gym where I did some heavy back squats and some sprints on the treadmill. I totally kicked my own ass.

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I did thirty-second sprints with a minute of rest for 15 minutes… my lungs are still burning. Once Bridget get’s out of school I’m going to go for a longer run once it gets warmer out.

Since I went crazy on the carbohydrates over the weekend I’m cutting back a bit for the remainder of the week. When I got home from the gym I had an apple and some almonds and for lunch I made a delicious chicken taco salad made with light ranch dressing mixed with salsa topped with a little bit of cheddar, guacamole and tomatoes.

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So far this week is off to a much better start! How did your weekend go?

Bathe Me In Coffee and Let Me Sleep

It’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m laying in bed wearing a t-shirt that is covered in what I can only guess is snot. I’ve finally gotten the opportunity to catch some sleep because Penelope is taking a morning nap… but I can’t. I’m too tired to sleep.

You see, last night this happened again.

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I haven’t slept in six days. I’m not talking about going to sleep and then being woken up a few hours later and then going to sleep again. I’m talking. no. sleep. I’m losing it…

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Penelope’s fever finally went away for good but in the mean time she has acquired some horrible sleep habits… as in not sleeping. Ever.

Poor Brent has been there right with me. We went through the grieving process together. Snapping at each other as each attempt at coaxing her to go to sleep failed. Then there was the denial as we lied there blinking up at the ceiling pretending like we didn’t hear her whining in her crib. Until finally at 4 in the morning we held each other grieving our defeat and mourning the loss of another night’s sleep.

Brent had to “wake” up to go to work at 5:30 and I was worried that he might drive off of the side of the mountain on his way to work. I even called him shortly after to make sure he didn’t. Penelope finally fell asleep at 5 and I slept until 7. Then she woke up again and decided to do her best Axl Rose impression. That’s when I chose to ignore her and take the time to get fancy with my coffee because I was standing in a t-shirt covered in snot… bleary eyed and desperately grasping. Grasping for what I’m not sure. I forget.

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It was even important enough for me to take pictures of the whole process and post it on Instagram with the caption “Got fancy with my IKEA geothermal only to realize it only lasts two seconds… screw fancy.” Then I noticed I got autocorrected and said, ” Ethics is a geothermal??? *frother.” And then I quit because I got autocorrected again and decided to forget the whole thing and drink my coffee…

Only I couldn’t because it toppled into my lap and for one strange moment I sat there drenched in my coffee feeling cozy and warm and wanting to lay my head down right there and sleep. Then Axl started screeching again and I remembered where I was and what I was doing… drowning in my failed fancy coffee.

She doesn’t have a fever anymore and her only problem lies in the fact that she hasn’t slept as long as I haven’t slept. (Did that sentence even make any sense?)

Finally, defeated I put her down for a morning nap and to my surprise she passed out. Finally. And I went to do the same thing only I couldn’t because now I’m the crazy one who won’t sleep.

Instead, I spent an hour snort laughing while browsing damnyouautocorrect.com

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I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been as funny if I had actually slept but I had a good laugh…

Penelope is now awake again and I’ve missed my opportunity to take a shower. Now I have no option other than to spray my hair with dry shampoo until I look like Marie Antoinette and try to act normal. I’m not so sure it’s going to work.

Photo on 10-20-13 at 12.03 PM

Tomorrow’s weigh-in should be interesting.