An Apocalypse In My Pants

I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’ve learned a few things over the past couple of days.

1. Making a “No coffee” rule for weekdays is stupid…

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Really REALLY stupid.

Especially when your toddler insists on waking up between the hours of 4:30 and 5:00 for a week straight. (I blame the molars.) Plus I’ve also learned that I am capable of reining it in as far as adding cream and sugar is concerned. They say once you go black you don’t go back and I’m not sure I agree with that. In a sleep deprived haze I took a gulp of Brent’s foofoo free coffee and it was confirmed… black coffee tastes like liquified cigarette butts. I may or may not have tried to drink stale beer out of a left over Budweiser can the morning after my parents had thrown a party. Someone just so happened to use that beer as an ashtray as well. It was the most valuable lesson I learned all throughout kindergarten. Guess what… take the stale beer out of the equation and you’ve got liquified cigarette butts, so that’s how I know. I’m practically an expert.

2. I don’t like roasted brussels sprouts nor should I eat them for everyone else’s sake. Luckily, I have a dog who farts every time he stretches with his butt in the air so I had a scape goat. (Side note: I still refuse to pass gas in front of my husband. I have determined that roasted brussels sprouts and pregnancy make this vow of non-flatulance extremely difficult.)

3. You should never run on a trail that has been overtaken by grasshoppers in shorts or you’ll end up with an apocalypse in your pants. I’m fully aware that locusts are the insect of choice for the apocalypse but try telling that to the two grasshoppers who managed to fly up my shorts.

4. Cheat days don’t work. Over the last two weeks I’ve been super strict on my diet during the week allowing one day of unadulterated bliss. I have discovered that I only want things when I can’t have them. Therefore, when cheat day rolls around instead of craving donuts I crave apples and peanut butter, salads and roasted vegetables (not brussels sprouts). Yet, since it’s my cheat day I ignore my healthy cravings and force myself to eat something bad. Then the next day when cheat day is over I crave cookies like it’s nobody’s business. I have decided that I am allowing myself to have cheat moments. This works better because lets face it, my favorite part about cheating is doing something I’m not supposed to do. A small cheat here or there satisfies the rebel in me way better than a cheat day ever will.

5. Toddlers and tweens don’t mix. Some days I think I’m a genius for waiting to have my kids ten years apart… and then the shit hits the fan. Tweens are just as moody as toddlers are, so as my tween stomps around the house giving me death glares the toddler will insist on banging her head on every hard surface she can find to show me just how pissed off she is. I even saw her grab her own leg and smack herself in the head with it. I was impressed at her range of flexibility and gave it a shot myself to see if it was even possible. It’s not. Maybe I should do more yoga.

So there you have it folks. Life lessons learned the hard way. And with that I’ll leave a a video clip that could very well have come directly from my life.

P.S. Penelope’s favorite word is “Ew”. It started after I caught her trying to lick the trashcan.

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