Out of the Blue

*Warning: This blog is based purely from an honest point of view and in my attempt to be honest I tend to over share. That is precisely what is about to happen. You have been warned.

Yesterday was a weird day, it completely threw me for a loop.

I woke up in the middle of the night Thursday morning with the worst stomach cramps that I had ever had. I tried to sneak off into the bathroom while Brent slept to find some relief in the bathroom. But there was no relief to be had, so I crawled back in bed and tried to sleep it off hoping the cramps would be gone by the time I woke up.

When I woke up they weren’t any better and to top things off the pain was radiating through my rectum. As a woman I’m quite familiar with stomach cramps, rectum cramps however are a whole different story. I didn’t want to tell Brent what was going on because it was embarrassing. Until later when he was doing something funny that was cracking me up.

“Honey, please don’t make me laugh because when you do my butthole hurts.”

“Uhh… what?”

That’s when I had to confess what was going on. I couldn’t cough, laugh or sit without the pain radiating through my body. I had no idea what was wrong with me. Brent told me to go to the Dr but I didn’t want to because it was humiliating. Plus, I was terrified of having to undergo a rectal exam.

Finally, I decided to make the call so that I could see what was going on and possibly get some relief. While I waited for my appointment I googled symptoms to see what could possibly be wrong. Maybe I was just severely constipated, or maybe I had some form of IBS…

When I went to the Dr I was given a thorough exam. (My greatest nightmare realized.) My stomach was super tender to the touch. If it had been localized she would have assumed that I had appendicitis but it wasn’t it was all over the lower region of my stomach. She then assumed it had to have something to do with my uterus. She check the location where my IUD (birth control) was implanted to see if it had gotten infected or misplaced. But it was in perfect shape and there wasn’t anything wrong from what she could tell, other than the severe tenderness I had. After the exam I put my clothes back on, got some blood work done, peed in a cup and waited in the room for my doctor to come back in.

When she walked in the first thing she said was, “The pregnancy test was positive.”

“Wait.. what?”

I didn’t even know she was checking to see if I was pregnant.

“I have an IUD. That’s supposed to be 99.9 percent effective.”

“I know it’s extremely rare.”

She then explained to me that it was possible that the tenderness could be caused from the IUD implanted while my baby was growing. Or I could be suffering from a tubal pregnancy which would mean I would have to have surgery immediately in order to keep from bleeding to death internally. I would have to wait for a sonogram to be sure what was going on.

She made arrangements for me to go to my OBGYN that same afternoon. I had to wait three hours to find out. I was either going into surgery that night and loosing a baby I didn’t even know that I had or I was going to add another member to my family. My mind was reeling. I didn’t know what to think.

I came home and told Brent the news and he grinned, secretly proud of his virility. He would be happy to welcome another child maybe this one would even be a little boy. Something he has tried to talk me into trying for in the past.

My Dr appointment finally arrived and I was called back for the sonogram. I laid back in that dark room looking up at the screen in front of me to find the answer I had been waiting for.  There it was, a little splotch of a person inside me, lodged in the tiny confines of the tubes leading to my ovary. It was indeed a tubal pregnancy. My uterus was already full of blood. I would be in surgery shortly.

Brent was at home with the girls trying to make arrangements and would meet me at the hospital. My doctor’s office is located at the hospital where the surgery would take place. I was given an admittance packet and I walked to the emergency room on foot. Feeling the pain radiate with every step I took. It was the blood sloshing around in my uterus.

Before I knew it, I was laying on a bed in a hospital gown, my head was throbbing my heart was throbbing and I was connected to an IV that pumped pain medicine through my veins making me feel light headed. Brent was still trying to find someone to take care of the girls for us so I sat there alone. Before I knew it they were starting to wheel me from one room to another.

I was handed more paper work to sign and given more information to digest. Then I was asked what I wanted to do with the fetus’ body. I was given several options and was asked if I had a name for it. I didn’t even know that a fetus had even existed when I had woken up that morning much less given time to think of names. The nurse took it upon herself to just write “Angel of Chapman” in the blank space where the name was supposed to go.

Brent finally arrived, I was given some medicine and the next thing I knew I was waking up in a strange room with a ragged wet cough that pulled at the stitches in my stomach. Brent was there to comfort me and take me home.

We went home that very night. I’ve slept most of the day. My head is still throbbing probably from the shock of it all. I’ve just taken my second dose of medicine and will probably be asleep again shortly. I’m sitting in my pajamas with the hospital bracelets still attached to my arm.

I just wanted to write this blog post for two reasons. To explain my absence from the blog for the next few days and to try to sort out how I feel about all of this. I haven’t had time to process everything. I haven’t had time to think about it or time to feel anything.

Hidden Treasures

Well, well, well… Look who decided to show up without posting a Friday weigh-in.

Me! It’s me, okay?!

Friday was supposed to be the last day of my six week challenge. The challenge that I failed at miserably. We have already hashed over how that didn’t quite go as planned in the last post. By mid-week on I was back on track and feeling just as great as ever.  Since I had spent the first half of the week in a complete shame spiral funk. I thought it best not to weigh myself by the time Friday had rolled around. I didn’t want to ruin the momentum I had finally gained mid-week.

So instead of sitting at home writing a weigh-in blog post I went for a run instead…

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Brent has been working a lot lately but he was finally home on this particular day so I took the opportunity to have a little time to myself. I had already made my normal three mile loop but decided to go the extra mile (literally) to pick Bridget up from swim practice on foot.

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I am so glad I did because on the way home we found the most amazing thing! A Little Free Library tucked into the back of someone’s fence.

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I had no idea such a thing existed, it made me so happy! Apparently this is a place where you can exchange books with complete strangers. It’s amazing the hidden treasures you come across as a pedestrian. I’ve driven past this place a million times and had no idea it was here. As Bridget and I walked away we both talked about how fun it would be to leave secret messages in the books that we exchange.

After our little discovery we rushed home where Brent and Penelope were waiting for us to hurry up and get cleaned up so that we could go see How to Train Your Dragon 2. It was Penelope’s very first time going to the movie theater.

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She sat still for about thirty minutes and then all hell broke loose.

By the time Saturday rolled around Brent was back at work and I decided to try out this whole potty training business. Penelope has been wanting to use the potty for quite some time now so I thought I would give it a shot. I had been prepared for a while. I bought a little potty chair, a million pairs of panties, little prizes to reward her and lots of apple juice to entice her to pee.

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And boy did she pee… all over the place. She was so excited to wear her panties but I don’t think she actually knew what they meant. It was a disaster. I gave her my phone to watch “tarcoons” on and she would sit through a 30 min show on the toilet and then get up and pee on the floor. It was so bad I had a glass of wine during nap time. I had to give myself a major pep talk to keep going for the rest of the day.

When she woke up from nap it didn’t get any better. She never managed to pee on the potty. She had no idea what we were doing. She even held it for an hour and a half while she sat on her potty to watch a movie and have some snacks. Then let it rip as soon as she stood up. It was awful, I’m still recuperating from the experience as I type. After having been held prisoner in my house for an entire day cleaning up puddles I called it quits and decided that my sanity was much more important to me. We’re going to keep trying but with a more gradual approach.

Other than that, things are going great. I’ve carved out time almost every morning to work out. I have discovered that if I don’t get out of my house and get moving by a certain time I start to get super restless. I feel much better on the days that I work out first thing in the morning so I’ve stuck with it. I’ve also mastered the mental aspect of choosing what to eat once again. I’ve gotten back to choosing what to eat based off of what my brain tells me to do versus what my feelings tell me to do.

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It’s not easy, it requires a daily pep talk but I’m doing it. And I find that I’m much happier with myself when I stick to my plan than when I don’t. There’s just nothing worse than breaking a promise to yourself.

Do Over!

World Cup

Can I be honest with you? I’ve been really lame lately I haven’t played outside nearly as much as I would have liked. It’s not even because I’ve been busy watching the World Cup.

I haven’t even watched one game! My former 13 year old self would be seriously disappointed…

Every time I see clips of the games I am reminded of that one awkward summer when sat in my friend’s living room watching the 1993 World Cup. It was during that time, in between swigs of Coke, that I wondered out loud how big their balls were… in front of my friend’s dad. I tried to amend this to make sure that her dad knew that I didn’t actually have any interest in men’s balls… just the size of their balls. The size of the soccer balls not their balls. (Ugh! See?) I tried to stutter myself out of that situation until my friend’s dad just told me to give up. So I did but I’ve been haunted by the experience ever since.

I still wonder to this day what size balls they have… er, use.

I guess I could just Google it and find out but that would make my life even more lame. We didn’t have Google back in 1993 and it’s a good thing because I probably would have tried to find the answer to my poorly worded question through the search engine. Can you imagine the things I would have seen if I had?

Yeah… so… that was an awkward moment we just shared there.

Can I be even more honest with you?

I don’t know why I just told you that story.  I’m supposed to be writing about weight loss and all of that crap but I don’t have anything to say on the subject because there hasn’t been any weight loss happening as of late. I haven’t worked out nearly as much as I would have liked and I’m getting a bit stir crazy.

Every time I plan a trip to the pool after Penelope’s nap the clouds roll in and thwart my plans. With out the magic of my green bathing suit I’m starting to feel a bit yucky about the few pounds I’ve gained. I mean, it’s the constriction of clothing where muffin tops happen. I’d rather be seen naked than in a pair a tight pants.

We ate horrible things on Father’s Day so Brent and I decided to straighten up our act this week.  We had a “Do Over” midway through Monday when we decided that night was our last night to eat bad. We would start fresh on Tuesday. But even after Tuesday rolled around I still struggled with it. I ate really healthy stuff during the first half of the day..

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Including a kale salad that I picked fresh from my garden.

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I took pictures so that I could show you how awesome I was eating my healthy homegrown veggies and all.

Then when I went to put Penelope down for her nap I got bored and start snacking. It started off innocent enough… hummus and veggies, then hummus and chips  came into play and things just got out of control. That’s when I decide that I had already screwed up for the day so I would decide to invoke a new “Do Over”. I told myself that I would start over again on Wednesday. This resulted in finishing off the hummus. After that I had no ambition to cook a decent dinner for anyone because by this point I was too full and ashamed. So the girls ate sandwiches for dinner.

It’s a disgrace I tell you.

This is how I end up getting fat in the first place…. this whole shame spiral. I think it might be some sort of mental defect. It just doesn’t even make sense.

Today has been different (so far) I’m in a space where I feel the need to shed some weight again. I’m ready to buckle down and commit to slimming down a bit more. Unfortunately, I have found myself in that beginning space again. That space where you have to fight all of your mental demons before you can fully carry through with your plans. Once I get started I’m usually golden. It’s just a matter of getting over the whole “Do Over” tactic.

Another struggle I have is with patience. I want results immediately.

When I was out watering my garden this morning I was looking at two little green tomatoes surrounded by little yellow flowers and I felt the same impatience bubble up.

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“Hurry up and grow… I want to eat you!”

Gardening and losing weight have a lot in common. You have to put forward a ton of energy and effort in for a long time before you see the results you are looking for. The hardest part is having  the faith that things will turn out the way you want them to in the end.

That being said, after you have spent some time dedicating yourself to the effort you will begin to enjoy the process. You’ll notice the changes and you will work even harder because you like seeing the progress. I’ve gotten there with the garden now I just have to do the same with my weight loss… again.

It’s all about perspective. If I had seen myself looking the way that I do now when I first started this blog I would have done a little happy dance. At the same time if, I weighed this much five years ago I would have cried. (What a weirdo.)

What’s the moral of this story? Never be curious about balls when you are in the company of your friend’s dad.

Nope, nope that’s not the one.

The moral? Stay away from the “Do Over”… IT’S A TRAP! This is just your lame way of making yourself feel better for not following through with the promises you have made to yourself.

P.S. The answer is 5. They use size 5 balls. This is the regulation size for age 12 and over. So that means they had the same size balls as I did when I was 13. I think that’s what I really wanted to know.

Week 5 Weigh-in and Some Life Decisions

Things are getting crazy around here and I may or may not have lost my mind a little bit.

I’ve been busy mulling over major life decisions and eating my way through it. My summer fun has been interrupted by the real world task of job hunting. As I went from interview to interview I grappled with the decision on whether I was ready to become a full-time employee instead of being a full-time mom. I’ve actually been quite emotional about it.

Every time Penelope would say something cute I would just squeeze her and think, “I don’t want to miss out on all of this while you’re still little!” Within the same ten minute time span she would throw a colossal temper tantrum and I would think,”Yep, I’m ready. Can I start now?”

It’s so conflicting… being a mom.

A part of me is ready for the extra income and the pride of starting my career for the long-term. But a part of me also wants to stay at home with my little one until I’m forced to part with her when it’s her time to go to school.

Brent and I have been going back and forth on the subject for the entire week.

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Then something amazing happened. I got a job offer!

And then something even crazier happened…

I turned it down.

I turned down the opportunity to have my very own classroom at a great school because I didn’t like the commute. Instead I took up an offer to work as a long term sub at a school that I could ride my bike to instead. I made this decision because I liked the people, I liked the school and I liked the prospect of rolling up to work on my cruiser bike. Also because it pulled a little less on my maternal heart strings.

A part of me wonders if I’ve lost my mind but another part is really excited about the decision that I’ve made.

Saying no to a full-time job was incredibly hard for me. It was harder than I had expected. I wanted it so bad but in a weird way it just felt wrong. I had no idea that the process would make me so crazy. With all of the uncertainty out of the picture I feel more comfortable moving on. I didn’t know that I was waiting for a decision to be made before I fully embraced this moment in my life.

Now that I’ve got all of that uncertainty out of the way I can move on with the rest of my life and quit drinking wine and watching trash tv late at night in an attempt to get myself out of my “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE!” funk.

I didn’t work out once this week (other than the occasional bike ride) and there was one evening when I drank half a bottle of red wine and inhaled half a block of cheese while I got sucked into the world of Game of Thrones.

I had no idea what kind of damage I did throughout the week until I got up this morning to step on the scale. It read 188.4. What the hell Nina!!! Why can’t you be one of those weirdos who lose weight when they’re stressed out? I was actually really mad at myself. But then before I got a chance to wallow in my newly inflated fat cells the girls woke up and I had to get rolling with the rest of my day.

I dropped Bridget off at swim practice and went on a nice long bike ride with Penelope. Then after swim practice was over the girls hung out in the backyard while I tended the garden.

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Before I knew it I was in my happy place again.

So I guess we can say that my six week challenge sucked. It’s not officially over until next week but I’ve pretty much screwed myself on that whole thing. I’m on the fence on whether to beat myself up over it or not. I’m thinking NOT because I tend to console any abuse that I withstand with ice cream. I also medicate feelings of guilt and inadequacy with ice cream too. That’s a bit counter productive, so I guess that just leaves me with one option… get over it.

Basically, I just have to accept the fact that my six week challenge has pretty much turned into a whole summer challenge. I want to lose about twenty pounds before the school year rolls around. I want to be in a fit and healthy place before I add working into the mix. Weight loss is such a mind game and I’ve really sucked at it lately.

I just need to embrace this time and place in my life as a time to eat yummy healthy food and play outside. It could seriously be worse. That being said, my weekly weigh-ins are going to continue until I reach approximately 165 pounds. That’s my healthy weight…

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How did you guys do? Please tell me you did better than me.

 

Yummy Feel Good Food

I’ve been in a food rut lately. I just don’t feel like making dinner… ever. This means I don’t have left overs for lunch either. I think this is related to the fact that I would rather be playing outside than grocery shopping.

My family hates it when this happens because that means they have to scavenge for food on their own only there isn’t really any food in the house other than a wrinkly apple and the weird things you find in the back of your pantry.

Fortunately for them the clouds started to roll in leaving me nothing better to do during a stormy nap time but to do some meal planning. Before I knew it I had found the inspiration I needed to have an answer to the question I have learned to hate… “What’s for dinner?”

Here are a few healthy recipes that caught my eye…

Chicken Nectarine Poppy Seed Salad– This recipe looks so fresh and yummy! It will be perfect for those nights when dinner time has snuck up on me because I either spent too much time at the pool or I went for an impromptu bike ride too late in the evening. It’ll also be the perfect “go to” lunch assuming I keep left over grilled chicken in the fridge.

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Lighter Orange Beef and Broccoli– This is a recipe I’m going to have to wait to make when Brent is home. He loves his beef and broccoli. You can also prepare several of these components before hand leaving you plenty more time to frolic before dinner time.

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Open-Faced Sandwiches with Ricotta, Arugula and Fried Egg– I have all of these ingredients sitting in my fridge. This would be a great breakfast or quick lunch or breakfast for dinner. I can see me eating this on a night when Brent is at work.

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Healthy Chicken, Orange and Kale Salad– There is something about the colors of the salad that have me craving a bite. Right. Now. Only I’d substitute the feta with ricotta because feta tastes like a goat teet, yes I just said teet. (Don’t ask, it’s along story.)

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Chicken Gyros– If I could be best friends with a food it would be with this. Only the relationship wouldn’t last that long because I would eat it.

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Kale and Brussels Sprouts Salad– I love these kinds of salads because you can make them ahead of time without having to worry about it getting all soggy. I have had a crush on the ol’ brussels sprouts and kale combo for a while now. There is just something satisfying about the chew factor. Plus it has bacon… who doesn’t love a little bacon?

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Almond Oat Banana Crepes– For those days when I want to be naughty without actually being naughty.

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5 Minute Healthy Frozen Yogurt– Because your summer isn’t complete unless you have a sticky frozen treat dripping down your elbows on a hot summer night.

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Coconut Creamsicle Margaritas– A little something to get me through this potty training adventure I’m about to embark on. It starts on Tuesday (after my job interview) I won’t be leaving the house much after that so I may try to use this recipe to entice some friends to pay me a visit while my daughter continuously pees her pants.

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Welp, there you have it! A list of yummy feel good food to get me through the week. Now we just have to see if I find the motivation to make it to the grocery store 😉